A Cliché: Inuyasha chooses Kikyo
by artemisgirl
Summary: Alas! Woe is Kagome! For Inuyasha is off cavorting with Kikyo, turning her into a pathetic whining girl who is nothing without a man. Enter Sesshomaru, who will undoubtably give a damn in a very OOC way. Sessomaru/Kagome OOC on purpose PARODY FANFIC.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** So in Sesshomaru/Kagome fanfiction world, SO MANY OF THE STORIES are **EXACTLY** THE SAME. Fed up with the redundancy and utter uncreativity of it all, I set upon writing a parody fanfiction of it. Just because.

It's meant to be funny and a parody. I _know_ it's written in script format which isn't strictly permitted, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. I really like this one. It amuses me.

As always, read and review and all that. No reviews means no memory that I ever posted this fic and need to finish updating it, so, if you want more, be sure to let me know.

Now, without further ado, may I present...

**A Cliché:****  
**_**Inuyasha chooses Kikyo**_

******ONCE UPON A TIME, IN THE SENGOKU JIDAI...**

_(**Kagome **is running through the forest heedlessly, crying)_

Kagome: Boo hoo! Oh, woe is me! Inuyasha is off cavorting with Kikyo again, and despite the fact I have known about his choice since manga volume 18 and have long since accepted it, this has suddenly upset me greatly and has caused me to lapse from a proud, self-sufficient, independent woman into a crying, sobbing mess! Oh, woe is me!

_(Kagome __throws herself onto the ground, weeping pitifully. __**Sesshomaru**__ approaches)_

Sesshomaru: Look, it's Inuyasha's wench, except instead of being all happy-go-lucky like she usually is, she's crying and looks very sad. Though I've never before given a damn about my brother or his companions, I will now act Very Concerned.

_(Sesshomaru approaches Kagome)_

Sesshomaru: What's wrong?

Kagome: Inuyasha has run off with Kikyo, leaving me all alone.

_(Sesshomaru acts shocked)_

Sesshomaru: Despite the fact that Inuyasha has been in love with Kikyo since forever, and despite the fact that she's a better priestess than you who's not nearly as emotionally unstable, I will now make some generic comforting remark about Inuyasha being a baka for choosing that dead clay pot over you and for not seeing how great you really are, before gathering you into my arms and holding you close in a brilliant display of OOCness.

_(Sesshomaru gathers Kagome into his arms and holds her close)_

Kagome: Even though you've tried to kill me and my friends many times before, are a mean and sadistic individual, and are probably manipulating me and my emotions right now for some evil purpose, I will let you continue to hold me as I am no longer a strong-willed miko who can take care of herself and am instead a horribly sad, pathetic person who spends all her time weeping over her lost love.

_(Kagome proceeds to weep all over Sesshomaru's clothes)_

Sesshomaru: Instead of killing you for that grave mortal offense as I would usually do, I will now randomly invite you to return with my to my palace in the Western Lands, despite the fact that I really don't like you.

Kagome: And for the sake of advancing the plot, I will conveniently forget that I have friends who are probably worried about me and instead run off with you as a method of avoiding my problems.

Sesshomaru: Very good, then.

_(Sesshomaru makes an air-cloud thing and they fly off to his palace)_

**MEANWHILE...**

_(**Inuyasha** returns to the camp)_

Inuya-sha: Where's Kagome?

Sango/Miroku/Shippo/some other unimportant character: She saw you with Kikyo and ran off.

Inuyasha: Oh no! Despite the fact I have never before cared when Kagome has done such a thing, this has suddenly caused me to realize what a mistake I have made in choosing Kikyo over Kagome, despite the fact she's not really a good miko and that I don't love her all that much. I must go after her!

_(Inuyasha runs off, following Kagome's scent)_

Shippo: It's a shame that Inuyasha can never truly figure out his feelings for Kagome.

Miroku: Yeah, not like us, eh, Sango? *obligatory grope*

Sango: *obligatory slap* Yeah, whatever, hentai.

Miroku: _(grinning)_ You know you love me.

Shippo: _(disgusted)_ God, get a room.

**MEANWHILE...**

Naraku: ...am I even _in_ this fic?

Kanna: Nope.

Kagura: Probably not.

Naraku: ... _(sighs, before going back to sharpening his tentacles)_


	2. Chapter 2

**MEANWHILE...**

_(Sesshomaru and Kagome arrive at Sesshomaru's palace. **Rin **and **Jaken** rush out to greet them)_

Rin: Hi! Rin's name is Rin!

Kagome: Aw! Allow me to make the obligatory squeal over how cute you are!

Sesshomaru: _(amused)_ Indeed.

_(Jaken stumbles forward clumsily)_

Jaken: Lord Sesshomaru, despite the fact that I am but your lowly servant and really should not be questioning your judgment, what is that filthy _ningen_ doing here?

Sesshomaru: I will now glare at you icily and make some cryptic remark about you remembering your place instead of actually answering your question because frankly, I have no idea why she is here myself.

_(Sesshomaru glares icily at **Jaken**. Jaken nearly pisses hisself with fear)_

Sesshomaru: Jaken, go and ready the guest room.

Jaken: Yes, my lord.

_(Jaken hurries off)_

Sesshomaru: _(to Kagome)_ For lack of something better to do, I will now give you a tour of the grounds, so you might know where the hot springs are or the garden for random chance encounters later.

Kagome: Of course.

_(Sesshomaru gives Kagome a tour of the grounds)_

Kagome: Allow me to express my continuous amazement at everything I see!

_(Kagome oohs and ahhs)_

Sesshomaru: Yes, yes. Moving on.

_(Sesshomaru ends the tour outside of an ornately carved door)_

Sesshomaru: And here is your room.

_(Sesshomaru pushes open the door to a room that is decorated beautifully, exactly like Kagome would want it to be, despite the fact that the guest room was created and designed for visiting demons, not humans. In one part of the room there is a large __wardrobe__, filled with rich, silken kimonos that are exactly the right size for Kagome, despite the fact that she only arrived an hour ago and no one could possibly sew that fast)_

Kagome: Allow my to physically express my gratitude to you by kissing you on the cheek, something completely out of character for me to do!

_(Kagome kissed Sesshomaru on the cheek)_

Sesshomaru: Despite the fact that I would normally kill you for daring to befoul my person with your filthy ningen lips, I will now instead blush most uncharacteristically, put one hand to my cheek, astonished, before bidding you a good night.

_(Sesshomaru puts one hand to his cheek lightly, astonished)_

Sesshomaru: Goodnight, Kagome.

Kagome: Goodnight, Sesshomaru.

_(Sesshomaru leaves, shutting the door behind him. Kagome gets ready for bed, as night seems to have suddenly fallen with no apparent warning)_

Kagome: _(hugging a pillow to her in bed)_ Despite the fact I still have no idea why's being nice to me or why he hasn't killed me yet, I will now do dreamy-dreamy about Sesshomaru as I try to fall asleep.

Sesshomaru: Likewise, here in my room, I will now think about what an 'interesting' girl Kagome is, despite the fact that she has done nothing but cry over Inuyasha and squeal over Rin since she got here, which is really not that interesting.

_(The two fall asleep peacefully, dreaming generic romantic things of each other)_

**THE NEXT MORNING...**

_(Kagome wanders out to the yard. Sesshomaru is there practicing his swordsmanship)_

Kagome: _(watching, to herself)_ Wow, Sesshomaru is so good at using a sword! Thought I already know this because I have seen him fight and nearly massacre Inuyasha any number of times before, I suddenly feel the need to exclaim over it as if I have only just realized this!

_(Insert random generic innuendo about Sesshomaru being good with 'other' swords here)_

Sesshomaru: _(thinking)_ Oh, look. Kagome is watching me practice my skills. Despite the fact that I don't care in the least what she thinks, her rapt attention is suddenly causing me to mess up.

_(Sesshomaru stops training and looks at Kagome, who is nervous)_

Sesshomaru: Miko. You will spar with this Sesshomaru now.

Kagome: _(gulping)_ But- I've never used a sword before!

Sesshomaru: Then instead of making a cutting and sarcastic remark about your obvious lack of skills which would be all-too-easy to do, this Sesshomaru will teach you instead.

_(Sesshomaru claps his hands)_

Sesshomaru: Jaken! Bring Kagome a sword.

_(Jaken appears from out of nowhere and hands Kagome a katana. Kagome looks very pleased with her new katana)_

Jaken: _(mumbling)_ stupid human...

Kagome: *slashes sword*

Jaken: AHH! *runs away*

Sesshomaru: Very good. Now, without any further instructions such as teaching you how to actually use a sword or handle it, let us begin.

Kagome: And instead of commenting that you said you would teach me only moments ago and that I really have no idea what I'm doing, I'll just simply agree.

Sesshomaru: Very good, then.

_(The two clash swords)_

Sesshomaru: Fend me off.

_(Kagome fends him off)_

Sesshomaru: Avert my strike

_(Kagome averts his strike)_

Sesshomaru: Parry my stroke

_(Kagome parries his stroke)_

Sesshomaru: Now strike!

_(Kagome strikes at an opportune moment, knocking Sesshomaru over, who frantically waves about to regain his balance and instead ends up bringing her down on top of him in an obligatory suggestive position. Both blush and look away)_

Sesshomaru: That was not bad for your first time, miko.

Kagome: Yeah, especially seeing as even though I had no clue what the hell I was doing, I somehow managed to do everything perfectly my first try, not to mention beat a taiyoukai lord, which should've been impossible for me to do even after 20 years of training.

Sesshomaru: Indeed. _(getting up)_ Shall we go to breakfast?

Kagome: Sure.

_(The two head off to breakfast, oddly comforted by the "strange sort of friendship that has sprung up between them," despite nothing of the sort actually having occurred_)


	3. Chapter 3

**AFTER BREAKFAST...**

_(Kagome and Rin proceed to run around Sesshomaru's large garden, though why a Feudal taiyoukai warlord would have need of a garden is never fully explained. They play tag, hide-and-go-seek, make flower garlands, and do other childish things. **Sesshomaru** stands watching them stoically from the shadows)_

Kagome: _(noticing this)_ Hey, Rin. Why doesn't Sesshomaru come and play too?

Rin: Oh. Sesshomaru-sama doesn't like to play. He thinks it's undignified.

Kagome: _(gasping, thinking to herself, completely astonished)_ _Wait, the authoress is actually making Sesshomaru somewhat in character? Whoa!_

Rin: _(continuing on, obliviously)_ Plus, there's the fact that, you know, he only has one arm.

Kagome: _(blinks, the spell breaking)_ Oh?

Rin: Yeah. It's kind of hard to play around with only one arm.

Kagome: I see. And I suppose I'm supposed to conveniently forget that he lost that arm while trying to kill me and Inuyasha and instead focus on what a terribly unfulfilled life he must lead because of it, therefore making me feel bad for him and want to Do Something About It?

Rin: Pretty much.

Kagome: Thought so.

**LATER THAT NIGHT...**

_(Sesshomaru is in his study. **Kagome **knocks on the door)_

Sesshomaru: Come in.

_(Kagome enters, somewhat timid)_

Kagome: I- uh- I put Rin to bed.

Sesshomaru:Very good. Thank you. _(goes back to his work)_

Kagome: _(pausing, trying to think of the right words)_ It's very- erm- nice of you to adopt her and take care of her...

Sesshomaru: _(intent on his work)_ Indeed.

Kagome: _(moving closer)_ And it must be very- er- _hard _for you to care for her with only one arm...

_(Sesshomaru freezes, before slowly turning around to fix Kagome with a suspicious gaze, who squirms under his amber eyes)_

Sesshomaru: _(raising an eyebrow) _Just what are you getting at, girl?

Kagome: _(all in a rush)_ Would-you-like-me-to-try-to-heal-yourmissingarm-for-you?

Sesshomaru: _(pauses) _..._what?_

Kagome: _(taking a breath)_ I said, would you like me to try to heal your missing arm for you?

Sesshomaru: _(leaning forward, skeptical but curious)_ And just why would you do such a thing for this Sesshomaru?

Kagome: _(shrugging)_ Logic, really. After all, this _is_ a romance story, and how exactly are you supposed to hold me in a glowy post-coital afterbliss with only one arm?

Sesshomaru: _(considering)_ I see your point. _(shrugging)_ Well, alright then.

_(They go over to the bed, though why there is a bed in a study is never fully explained. Sesshomaru lies down and takes off the upper part of his kimono, exposing his_ _chest and stump of his arm to Kagome)_

Kagome: *oogles bare flesh*

Sesshomaru: _(raising an eyebrow)_ You _do_ realize that there is absolutely no history or documentation of mikos ever having any sort of healing powers for themselves, let along to use on others?

Kagome: _(composing herself)_ Of course. But this way, you get your arm back, I get to look important, and the author gets to paint a lovely picture of sexual tension while I'm healing you.

Sesshomaru: Oh, of course.

_(Kagome begins healing Sesshomaru. The tingling sensation from it arouses them both, turning them on, allowing the writer to describe her lovely scene of sexual tension between the two as they begin to realize their mutual attraction for each other)_

Kagome: _(thinking)_ _Gods, he is so hot!_

Sesshomaru: _(thinking)_ _Kami, I want to jump her bones!_

_(Kagome finishes healing Sesshomaru and pulls back, breaking the spell between them. The two look at each other awkwardly)_

Sesshomaru: Well- uh- thanks for- you know- um- healing me.

Kagome: Um, yeah. No problem.

Sesshomaru: Okay.

_(The two continue to look at each other awkwardly for a moment)_

Kagome: Well, okay. Yeah. Um- I'll just- uh- go now...

Sesshomaru: Uh- yeah. Okay.

_(The two hastily part ways to go take very, very cold showers)_


	4. Chapter 4

**THE NEXT DAY...**

_(Sesshomaru is walking through his halls, brooding sexily. **Jaken **rushes up to him)_

Jaken: Lord Sesshomaru...

Sesshomaru: _(pinching the bridge of his nose tightly, in a rare show of annoyance) _Jaken, can you not _see_ that I am clearly brooding sexily over my sudden and uncharacteristic attraction to the miko Kagome and that I do _not_ want to be bothered?

Jaken: Well, yes, my lord, but you see, your brother Inuyasha has arrived and is banging at the front gate, clamoring to get in.

Sesshomaru: _(snaps out of his brooding at record speed)_ _**WHAT**__**?**_ That filthy hanyou is _**here? **__(gets very mad) _

Jaken: _(cowering)_ yes, m'lord...

Sesshomaru: **DAMN HIM!**

_(Sesshomaru storms to the front gate, Jaken trotting obediently after him, and hurls open the gate to glare at his brother, who glares back)_

Sesshomaru: _(sneering) _What do _you_ want?

Inuyasha: _(angrily)_ As if you don't know!

Sesshomaru: _(sarcastically) _Yes, because I have clearly managed to develop telepathy within the last few minutes, I know _exactly _what it is that you want.

Inuyasha: _(pausing, confused)_ ...you have?

Sesshomaru: **NO!**

_(Sesshomaru storms around, glaring angrily at his brother while managing to look incredibly sexy while doing so)_

Sesshomaru: Just what is it that you want, half-breed?

Inuyasha: _(recognizing his cue)_ Oh! Well, I followed Kagome's scent to here, so I know you have her holed up in here somewhere, and I want her back!

Sesshomaru: _(raising eyebrow)_ That's impossible.

Inuyasha: No, it's not! I can hear her laughing inside the walls as she plays with your ward Rin!

Sesshomaru: No, no, that's not what I meant. We traveled by air, so there's no possible way you could have followed her scent here.

Inuyasha: _(face falling)_ oh... _(shakes his head violently, before looking up and glaring viciuosly at his brother once more)_ That's hardly my fault! I'm not the one writing all these inconsistencies into the story and brutally slaughtering everyone's character! The point is, you have Kagome, and I want her back!

Sesshomaru: _(sighing, pincing his nose)_ Are you sure she wants to go back with you?

Inuyasha: _(pausing)_ ...what?

Sesshomaru: Nevermind. You're a stupid hanyou; there's no way you could possibly decipher my semi-cryptic remarks. Well, you're welcome to come in, I guess. After all, I can hardly concentrate on brooding sexily when you're out here making a ruckus to come in.

Inuyasha: That's more like it. _(shoves his way inside)_

Sesshomaru: _(gliding in alongside him, shutting the door in the process)_ You can stay in your old room until you sort everything out with Kagome. After all, I can hardly have you stinking up the place with your putrid scent as you wander around aimlessly looking for her.

Inuyasha: _(puzzled)_...was that an insult?

Sesshomaru: _(sighs)_ Nevermind. Your rooms are this way...

_(Sesshomaru leads Inuyasha away down the hallway, despondently wondering what he's gotten himself in to)_

**MEANWHILE...**

_(Kagome is skipping happily down the path to Sesshomaru's indoor hot spring, humming to herself)_

Kagome: Boy, am I dirty! Playing with Rin in the mud all day has really taken all the energy out of me too! Having a relaxing bath in the hot springs with_**no one **_to interrupt me should be just the thing to re-energize me! What a good idea!

_(Kagome continues on her merry way, humming all the while._ _Moments later, Sesshomaru approaches the bath house from a different direction)_

Sesshomaru: Wow, dealing with Inuyasha is more frustrating than I remembered. A warm bath _**all by myself**_should be just the thing to calm me down and relax me after dealing with that obnoxious hanyou...

_(Sesshomaru enters the bathouse and disrobes, casually not noticing a familiar-looking schoolgirl outfit sitting folded nearby)_

Sesshomaru: And now, for my bath!

_(Sesshomaru opens the door to the hot spring, fully naked. Inside, Kagome is swimming around in the warm water, completely nude. Both freeze and gape at each other in astonishment for a long moment, blinking, before Kagomes screams)_

Kagome: AHHHHHHHHH!

Sesshomaru: AHHHHH!

Kagome: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Sesshomaru: AAAAAHHHHHH!

Kagome: _(taking a deep breath)_ -

Inuyasha: _(bursts into the room, Tessaiga drawn, fully prepared to kill anyone that's threatening Kagome)_ Alright, Kagome! What's wrong?

Kagome: _(gaping)_ AHH! What the hell are you doing here, Inuyasha?

Inuyasha: _(confused)_ I heard you screaming, so I thought you were in danger, and- _(notices Kagome's current state of undress)_ oh my...

Kagome: _(mortified)_ INUYASHA, YOU BAKA! **SIT!**

Inuyasha: AHH! *is slammed to the ground with an undignified **thump***

Sesshomaru: _(crossing his arms arrogantly, supremely unconcerned about his current state of undress)_ As you can see, Inuyasha, Kagome is perfectly fine.

Inuyasha: _(struggling to his feet, just now noticing the presence of his brother)_ Sesshomaru! What the hell are you doing here?

Sesshomaru: _(raising an eyebrow)_ Coming for a bath...?

Inuyasha: Like **HELL** you were! You were planning on molesting Kagome! I'LL KILL YOU!

_(Inuyasha lunges at Sesshomaru, Tessaiga drawn)_

Kagome: Inuyasha! **Sit!**

_(Inuyasha crashes to the ground)_

Kagome: Argh! Sesshomaru, will you please help me get out of here?

Sesshomaru: _(opens his mouth to object, before remembering he's in a OOC fanfiction)_ Um, sure.

_(Sesshomaru puts on a bathrobe, goes and picks up Kagome from the water, wraps her in a robe, and carries her out of the bath house bridal-style)_

Kagome: **Sit!** Sit! Sit sit sit sit sit sit sit!

Inuyasha: AHH! _(crashing into the ground over and over again)_ I'm sorry, Kagome! You know I didn't mean to see you like that!

Kagome: I know. **SIT!**

Inuyasha: _(lying in a daze on the floor, a large concussion on his head)_ bitch...

Kagome: **Sit!**


End file.
